Depressed stupid

This website is my little corner. Right now, I don't have anywhere in real life to truly express myself, or any skills, really. Or maybe I do have skills, but I don't have enough self-esteem to recognize them. Anyway, this is my little corner in which I do whatever I want.

I guess I should start by talking about myself. Not the shit that everyone knows about me---that's not important to me, not really. I'm seventeen, that's one tangible thing about me. I'm trans. I'm in the closet. I guess that's it for what I actually am---everything else I have to say about myself concerns my thoughts, my dreams, my nightmares, my wishes, my reservations, my beliefs. All of these things are intangible, and are much harder to convey

Screaming into the void

The first thing I want to do with this website is scream. I never really have anywhere to vent to. Think of this as some sort of journal. Instead of keeping it locked away, storing it in some box somewhere, I'm putting it online. Why? I don't really know. Maybe it's because I so desparately want someone to respond, even though I'm not really giving people the opportunity to. Maybe it's because the existence of my thoughts outside of my own brain, of which a private journal is just an extension, legitimizes them somewhat. When you read these words, you are taking my thoughts and putting them into your brain, however briefly. A part of me, the real me that I don't show anyone in real life, travels across the waves of the internet to you. For me, I guess that makes all the difference, that someone might care about the real me for even the briefest moment. I'm rambling now, repeating myself. I guess I'll get on with the site

  1. April 11th
  2. April 7th

Defining myself by the media I consume like a dumb consumerist

As much as people shun it, there is a lot to be said about defining yourself by the media you consume, especially when you're queer, like I am. I didn't used to have a lot of opinions on media, but recently, I've been listening to a lot of very specific music.

My relationship with music has always changed throughout my life, but what matters more to this site is the now. Right now, I listen to music because it sets the mood. It brings the inside of my brain outside. It reassures me that other people are feeling the same way I feel and supercharges my emotions.

I like hyperpop, but more specifically, I love Laura Les. Something about her music just speaks to me. Maybe it's because we're both trans AMABs. Maybe I'm overthinking it, maybe I just like her music. I really like 100 gecs, obviously, and I like her solo stuff too. I love the youtube channel flashmemories because it archives a lot of hyperpop (and a lot of Laura Les' music) going back many years. My favorite Laura Les music is the 100 gecs set at lavapalooza (especially the last song), her 2017 remixes, and her early EP tape 1 - this town makes me sick sometimes. Earlier, I attended umru's birthday party, hosted by Subculture Party. I really want to go to more of these parties, because even though my camera was off and I mostly played minecraft while listening, the simple act of being there made that the best thing that's happened to me in a very long time.

I also love Mitski. I don't know what it is about her music, specifically, but I love the emotion in her voice when she sings. My favorite album of hers is Retired from Sad, New Career in Business.

That last part felt very superficial, but that's pretty much it

I imagine that as I continue to get more comfortable with my sexuality and gender identity, I'll have more things to populate this site with, but for now, that's pretty much it. Right now, I feel split between two people, and the queer me typing this right now is simply inhabiting the body of a depressed, constantly tired young man. God, typing those words felt dirty. That doesn't make them any less true. But until I can fully break out, I'll be stuck here, making life miserable for the both of us. See ya